Those Advice from My Father Which Rescued Us when I became a Brand-New Dad

"I believe I was simply just surviving for a year."

One-time reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey anticipated to cope with the demands of becoming a dad.

Yet the truth quickly became "completely different" to his expectations.

Serious health issues during the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was forced into acting as her primary caregiver in addition to looking after their newborn son Leo.

"I was doing every night time, every nappy change… every walk. The duty of mother and father," Ryan explained.

Following eleven months he reached burnout. That was when a chat with his own dad, on a park bench, that helped him see he required support.

The simple words "You are not in a good place. You must get support. How can I support you?" paved the way for Ryan to talk openly, look for assistance and regain his footing.

His situation is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. Although society is now more accustomed to addressing the strain on mothers and about post-natal depression, less is said about the struggles new fathers go through.

Asking for help is not weak to ask for help

Ryan believes his difficulties are part of a wider failure to communicate between men, who still hold onto damaging notions of manhood.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and doesn't fall with each wave."

"It is not a display of weakness to seek help. I didn't do that fast enough," he explains.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health before and after childbirth, notes men frequently refuse to accept they're having a hard time.

They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - especially in front of a mother and child - but she stresses their mental well-being is equally important to the family.

Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the chance to take a pause - taking a short trip away, separate from the home environment, to gain perspective.

He came to see he needed to make a adjustment to consider his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the logistical chores of looking after a new baby.

When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd overlooked "what she needed" -physical connection and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has reshaped how Ryan views being a dad.

He's now writing Leo letters each week about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will assist his son to more fully comprehend the expression of emotional life and understand his decisions as a father.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen lacked reliable male a father figure. Despite having an "incredible" relationship with his dad, profound emotional pain resulted in his father found it hard to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, affecting their bond.

Stephen says bottling up emotions led him to make "terrible choices" when he was younger to alter how he was feeling, turning in substance use as an escape from the hurt.

"You turn to behaviours that are harmful," he notes. "They may temporarily change how you feel, but they will eventually make things worse."

Tips for Managing as a New Father

• Share with someone - when you are under pressure, speak to a friend, your spouse or a counsellor what you're going through. Doing so may to reduce the stress and make you feel less alone.
• Remember your hobbies - keep doing the things that allowed you to feel like you before the baby arrived. Examples include exercising, socialising or playing video games.
• Don't ignore the physical stuff - eating well, getting some exercise and when you can, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your mental state is faring.
• Connect with other parents in the same boat - sharing their journeys, the messy ones, and also the good ones, can help to put into perspective how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that requesting help isn't failing - looking after your own well-being is the best way you can support your household.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the loss, having not spoken to him for years.

As a dad now, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his boy and instead offer the security and nurturing he lacked.

When his son is about to have a outburst, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - expressing the feelings safely.

Both Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men since they acknowledged their pain, changed how they communicate, and learned to manage themselves for their children.

"I'm better… processing things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I put that down in a note to Leo recently," Ryan says. "I said, on occasion I feel like my role is to teach and advise you on life, but actually, it's a dialogue. I am discovering just as much as you are on this path."