Balancing my Yearning for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership

Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, mostly pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, because I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners once more.

Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment

Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they appear demanding, often causing lots of heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel a bit lost.

Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting your desires completely … and later on you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist focusing on treating sexual disorders.